Shite Comics #1: some other sonic comic

(In Shite Comics, I’ll be taking a look at bad sprite comics and heavily criticize them as I go. Be prepared for MS Paint abominations and comics devoid of humor.)

“this is some other sonic comic the sequel to some sonic comic”

People always say to not judge a book by its cover, but in certain cases, the cover’s so bad you want to return said book back to the bargain bin from once it came. And SmackJeeves is a prime example of cover judging: if it looks good, people will read your comic. If it looks like absolute trash, however, people are still going to read it, because they’re idiots.

Today I bring you this travesty of a sprite comic called, in no caps at all, some other sonic comic by dakota333. This comic’s so bad it only lasted for 21 issues before being abandoned 7 years ago.

issue 1

Right from the start we’re already in No Man’s Land. It’s only gonna get worse from here.

The first thing you’ll notice is the author’s completely loose grasp of the English language. Barely any punctuation, zero capitalization, typos galore, and a random change to a Gothic font that symbolizes shouting. The word bubbles in panel 3 are especially jumbled up making it hard for the reader to differentiate the story from the bad jokes.

And then there’s the art: I know MS Paint isn’t the most sophisticated computer art program, but come on. At least attempt to put effort into it. Seems like they could only afford one side of the house to painted at the time. And that living room is stretched beyond all belief with a poorly-drawn TV added for good measure.

Finally, the story is generic as all hell. “Various Sonic characters get together and live under one roof. Wacky hijinks ensue!” Can’t get any more cliche than that.

issue 2

Now we’re already delving into self-insert characters. Couldn’t just wait a few more strips, eh Dakota? Or in fact not include them at all?

Also what a completely necessary strip. So glad I read it.

issue 3

Yay, bad sex jokes! I was so hoping they’d show up at some point. Because what’s a bad sprite comic without jokes of getting some poontang?

Speaking of jokes, it’s not funny if you keep pointing out how bad your art sucks. That’s just more of stating the obvious.

issue 4

“hurr durr sonic n tails are gay taht’s so funney lol” (Spoiler alert: It isn’t.)

I’m not even going to bother guessing what “dark einsteine [sic?] adventures” is supposed to mean.

issue 5

Oh my God, are we seriously doing the “lol sonic is gay” bullcrap for a story? It wasn’t even funny in the last strip!

Once again we have a comic creator who’s author avatar is a complete asshole that has free will to warp the story to his/her own desires. Less effort involved when you’re the supreme ruler of all your survey. That survey being a bogstandard drawing program because you’re too stupid to pirate Photoshop.

issue 6

How many more times are we going to make self-deprication jokes? When you do it, Dakota, it’s not funny. It’s just tedious and annoying.

Also more gay jokes. Please be the last of this story arc.

issue 7

Good news: No more gay jokes.

Bad news: More castration jokes and randumb humor.

Seriously, I don’t even get what’s going on in this issue. Sonic wills himself out of existence for a few seconds, and that apparently had something to do with buying a new television?

issue 8

As Strong Bad said it best, “That was completely meaningless and made my brain throw up.”

issue 9

Yep, I knew that the Sonic Advance sprites would make an appearance at some point. Can’t see why people keep switching away from Genesis sprites. …Oh yeah! Because people are lazy.

Also no. You can’t have Mary Sue parodies if your comic’s already shitty enough to have Mary Sue characters unironically. That’s like Hitler making fun of dictators.

I guess Sonic being gay has been demoted to a running gag me with a spoon now. Still not funny.

issue 10

At this point, I don’t think Dakota’s even trying in the art department anymore. Stretched characters? Check. Low JPEG compression? Check. Sudden change in speech bubbles in panel 4? Check-a-roony.

Oh right, there’s something wacky going on. Gee, I hope it’s never acknowledged in the next issue.

comic 11

What a shock! It wasn’t!

Rouge is back, and of course Dakota was unoriginal enough to portray her as a whore. What else were you expecting? Master thief?

bill meets shadow (Wow, first proper title.)

Oh, so they did acknowledge frozen Knuckles. But let’s not get carried away and explain why he’s frozen in the first place.

It seems like Dakota’s pulling out all the stereotype cards at this point. Gay Sonic, slutty Rouge, stupid Knuckles, and emo Shadow. I can’t tell if this kid’s actually a wee tot or just an idiot at this point. Most likely the latter.

comic 13

…I can’t find a single joke in this comic. In fact, it seems harder to criticize this issue rather than pinpoint the moment you’re supposed to laugh. All I can really understand is that underage binge drinking is apparently funny.

comic 14

Real nice. Just skip over whatever fancy frolics were going on inside that bar because you couldn’t give two shits about designing an interior even though you already constructed a shanty for Sonic and friends to live in.

Effort? What’s that?

cmic 15

I checked and no, this dumb shit never reached a comic with over 100 issues. The biggest comic he made had over 28 issues. On a second account.

Anyway, what’s happening? Tikal suddenly appears so we can make a “you’re old” insult? Another unfunny fourth wall breakage that is definitely not overused at this point? Same old, same old.

(On a side note, I don’t think this kid will ever experience what a bar or strip club is like.)

comic 16

This is less comic and more chat windows with avatars. But since sex is involved, it’s now like Second Life.

And nobody cares about Knuckles being frozen because you, Dakota, failed to make us care enough about him being frozen. Why? Because you put absolutely no effort into your comics. I know this was supposed to be a comedy, but the only person laughing is yourself.

comic 17

Fuck you.

comic 18

“Real ‘Fake’ People”? I shouldn’t be surprised that this guy can’t come up with creative names for TV shows.

Did Fox turn himself into Krystal?

comic 19

But Yoshi, Krystal/Fox, and stupid OC never even lived there. And didn’t Tails live in the Tails-shaped house?

Way to be hypocritical Sonic. You kick them out for being sellouts, yet you’ve had tons of merchandise since 1991. Although I think that’s declined quite a bit in recent years.

Sonic the Hedgehog Pasta, anybody?

comic 20

Boy, this kid sure does love to abandon stories quickly. Either that or he just loves three-parters.

Nice to see the gay sex jokes make a comeback.

comic 21

Wow. Way to go out with a bang: just flat out cancel the comic while responding to a complaint letter. You could just replace this with a highly compressed JEPG of a hand flipping the bird.

Not to mention that Dakota barely answered any mail. He only read one and had his surprise guest star state that every other letter is the same thing. And did he take that barrage of advice to improve his comics? Hell no. They’re all terrible.

And there you have it folks, some other sonic comic. This whole comic was an artistic interpretation of the Titanic sinking shortly after being christened. And the ship was made of tin foil.

No artistic talent, no sense of humor, no direction of story, NOTHING. This comic had absolutely NOTHING of value in it. It’s not even worth making fun of it’s so bad. My brain shut down halfway through reading this tripe that I lost the will to keep this up. And even though this is one of the worst sprite comics that I have read, there’s still a truckload of garbage on SmackJeeves. Apparently that website has no quality control, but I’d put the blame on the upload restrictions that don’t allow big comics. That’s why people churn out shit like this to keep under the file size. Absolutely pathetic.

The best part about this whole ordeal? All of Dakota’s websites are up for sale.


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